LMV- part 5

The Struggle Within Uploaded by AzRedHeadedBrat

… So there we were , Dean and I, getting dressed in the dark possessed with nervous laughter. My impeding fate was a mother who'd come home while I was having sex with my boyfriend. This would be the first time she'd meet him. I figured that I had a decent chance of remaining alive; my mom had only spanked me five times, never spanked me while she was still angry, and let last time when I was 11-years-old. So I was not really worried about my physically well being, but I was worried about the how she viewed me now. I could see in now... The house would now be filled with the chill of her anger. She would mutter under her breathe that dinner was ready instead of the joyful announcement that I loved. Maybe she would still love me but she wouldn't like me, trust me or be nice to me anymore. At fourteen these thoughts were not articulated yet but my overwhelming fear said it all.

Dean and I slowly walked up the basement steps with our eyes fixed to the floor. My mom greeted Dean by saying, "Get out!" I was so grateful that he'd gotten off so easy; he gets to go home to a mom that thinks it's cute that he's sexually active. I wasn't sure if my mom, a true Taurus, would flip out and start whaling on the both of us, or give him a verbal lashing. I glanced at him as I heard his voice "Excuse me ma'ma, my friend dropped me off and will pick me up in two hours. I need to stay…"

What---did---he---just--- say?!?!

Let me break down my thoughts for you:

1. Is he crazy? My mom is shooting out fire from her eyes because you just had sex with her daughter and now you think she cares how you get home?


2. Is he stupid? You just got a free pass to enjoy living without being maimed but instead you insist on staying in my mother's presence for two more hours?


3. He's a liar? You told me that you were just stopping by for a few minutes when you asked to come over. You didn't talk to your friend before he left so you must planned it out in advance!


4. He's so selfish! Now you've made the incredible hulk madder and I'm going to pay dearly for your error in judgment.


5. I don't care! I'm okay if my mom socks you because you deserve it.

My mom's heart starting pounding out of her chest; her nostrils flared as she took a deep breath. With a snarl she managed to maintain her composure and said something like, "I am really angry right now. If you continue to stand here I'm not sure that I will be able to control my actions. It is better for you to leave now. Get out now!!!" With that he grabbed his jacket and rushed to the door. I think it took him two seconds to make his escape.

Now I was all alone with her, having no idea what to do or what to expect I just stood still; I continued avoiding eye contact, and waited for her to make the next move. Her instruction to me were similar to Dean's, she was not sure what she was capable of and that I needed to get out of her sight immediately. Instantly my knees buckled as I grew faint; I'd never been so scared in my life. I wobbled and swayed as I walked to the stairs. My body was trying to shut down and fall out but I willed myself up stairs by literally crawling. I knew that fainting would qualify as disobedience in her sight and I had to do whatever it took to make it to the sanctuary that was previously known as me bedroom. I made it to the landing and continued to crawl until I closed the door and pulled myself up to the bed. I did not know how much my room would protect me but I had to count my blessing that I'd made it this far. I knew this would be a long day but I thought the worst was behind me because my mom would eventually calm down.
That was until I heard the front door open and I heard a growling, snarling voice yell,

WHERE IS HE?!!!

WHERE IS SHE?!!!

…To be continued…

LMV- part 4

teen couple, originally uploaded by bearpa.

Two days after I skipped school the first time, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school because I felt sick. I can’t remember the symptoms but I was honestly feeling under the weather. In hind-sight I did not know the difference between sickness and stress. My mom use to assign me a chore to complete when I stayed home from school, I think it was to keep me from playing sick like I got caught doing one time when I was eight. This time she took pity on me and told me to take it easy. I put my feet up on the couch and had the remote in hand when our house phone rang. Assuming it was my mom I raced to pick up the phone; it was Dean, my boyfriend. I was shocked that he would call me at this time, I was usually in school, he asked me what I was doing and I told him just watching TV. He asked if he could come over but I said no; I would get in so much trouble if my mom caught you over here. He insisted saying that his friend was driving so he could not stay long, and he just really wanted to see me. I could not resist and I was eager to see him too so I said OK.

Dean me showed up with his friend and I gave him a big hug. I asked them to come in and to sit but Dean grabbed me and started kissing me. I loved it, I loved him and he loved me. I felt a little uncomfortable with his friend there but I knew that I would not have many opportunities to see him so I just hoped his friend would be okay. A few minutes later I heard his friend grab his keys and head for the door. Panic started to set in; I knew that without his friend present we’d have sex again; how would Dean get home? I tried to tell his friend to stop; I knew it was time for Dean to go but every time I tried to talk he would just pull me closer and kiss me harder. I felt scared and elated at the same time and my efforts to stop his friend were probably at 70%.

As soon as I heard the door close I knew that was all she wrote. I’m sure there was some foreplay involved but it was not long before we started having sex. We had a lot of chemistry and there was no stopping us, until I remembered that my mom usually came home for lunch. I pushed him off of me and insisted that he put his clothes back on. I was cured, whatever ailed me before was gone and was replaced with happiness and sexy thoughts. We talked and held hands and the phone rang; my mom was checking in on me. How are you feeling she asked, “Better” I replied. She said that was good because she had some errands to run on her lunch break and that she would not be able to come home. I looked at my boyfriend repeated what she said so that he could understand why I had a big grin on my face. I told her not to worry about me and that I would see her when she got home from work. I think it took us less than a minute to remove each other’s clothes and start again.

I did not have a thought in my head; I just let go of the shyness and the guilt as we held each other. I experienced it as freedom and being comfortable in your own skin. We were still at it when I thought I heard something.

Originally uploaded by Boccacino

My boyfriend insisted that it was nothing and that I should keep going, until we both heard the door open and we fled to the basement. My mom was home and our clothes were the first the thing she saw when she came in the door. She called my name loudly and I came out of hiding naked as a jay bird. She looked at me and asked, “Where is he”. I told her he was in the basement; she had never met him and didn't know who he was. She told me to go get him so I scoped up our clothes and proceeded to get dressed with him in a dark corner. To be honest we laughed in the process, why not? If you know your life is over you should enjoy the little bit you have left...

LMV- part 3

Originally uploaded by Boccacino

I know that usually when people talk about losing their virginity they only have one story to tell; I've never been accused of being normal so what can I say. In Losing My Virginity- part 2 I shared about my first two sexual experiences with my boyfriend. It was not a great experience but I felt that I learned a lot from it. The best thing I learned is that he was not worth my time and that I needed to move on so I broke up with him. I think both of us thought good riddance to our loveless relationship.

My life returned to normal until Nancy, my best friend, had a sweet sixteen party. I was one of 4 hostesses for the party and I took the title very seriously. I remember when Nancy me a microphone instructing me to walk on the stage and direct everyone to the cake table so that we could sing Happy Birthday to her. I would only be five sentences, but I was terrified at the thought of public speaking, not only that but I hated the sound of my voice amplified. I asked her to get someone else to do it but she insisted and I knew that I had to push through. I told myself that you don’t have time to be scared just make sure your friend is having a good time.

Late I noticed Nancy’s disappointed face. Without asking I knew what was wrong. Her parents had splurged and paid for a professional DJ, but not one had even touched the dance floor. Unfortunately I'd never danced in public and I was scared that everyone would laugh at me. I was tempted to ignore my friend or just try to will others to dance through osmosis but I knew that it was time to be courageous. So with fear and trembling I walked to the middle of the dance floor, faced 200 guest, placed my hands on my hips and preformed the only dance appropriate to the song playing at the time; I shook my hips to “Doing Da Butt”. I danced and pulled people to the floor until the dance floor was packed. You should have seen it, one of the best parties ever been. I continued dancing all night long and heard whispers, “she must be drunk or something”, and I could help but laugh because I just as surprised at myself. The experience started out as selfless but turned into a huge turning point for me. I now had a lot more confidence, and become outgoing over night.

Later that week my best friend called and told me that her cousin had a crush on me and wanted my phone number, I faintly remembered his face and told her it was ok to give him my number. His name was Dean and he called me a few minutes later but our conversation was very short. He seemed nice and all but there was no chemistry. My friend told me later that he thought I talked like a valley girl and it annoyed him; people make fun of me for that but I couldn’t help it, just something I'd picked up from my Texas days. I assumed that was that but the next day he called me again. I don’t know what happened but we were on the phone for two hours and by the end of the conversation I was in love. I had never experienced that much chemistry with anyone, and I could not remember what he looked like but it did not matter to me.

We talked all the time on the phone and he professed his love to me, it was so romantic. I was hard to maintain a relationship because we had trouble seeing each other. At 14 years old I still had 1 1/2 years before my mother would allow me to date. The only time I’d see Dean was over Nancy’s house, and I when I did I realized that he was so cute. One day at Nancy's, Dean smiled slyly and said he was going to have to kidnap me soon. I asked him what he meant and he said the he wanted me to skip school and come over his house; I was very nervous and very excitedly so I said OK.

Two days later I took a bus to his house. The experience was kind of surreal and very scary: this was my first time skipping school, I’d never been to his house before and he lived in another city so it took me 1 ½ hour to get to his house. But when I saw him everything felt right, he waited for me at the bus stop and grab my hand and held it all the way to his house. If I’m not mistaken I think we had our first kiss there. It was so magical and the chemistry was crazy. He took me to the bedroom and our clothes starting flying. I was great until it was obvious that he wanted intercourse and I got nervous. My body was more than ready and I really liked him but I thought it was too soon.

He was respectful but persistent. At one point I felt bad that I’d gotten physical without the intention of going all the way. The guilt coupled with visions of not being able to find my way home without him helped me decide to go for it. As far as sexually, the experience was incredible. I climaxed a lot, and so did he. We only took a break because I had to go to the bathroom. That’s when I learned two things, one the house had no running water, and two he’d taken my virginity. I’m did not know that you bleed the first time you have sex. And now there was no a good way to clean up. (His family owned it but no one lived so they turned off the electricity and the water). I went back into the bedroom a little embarrassed but Dean grabbed me and we continued. Know I am a little noisy but I thought I heard someone inside the house. He insisted that I was hearing things but I made him stop and check it out. He got dressed and closed the door behind him. Within seconds I heard him talking to someone, at first I could not make out what he was saying but the tone his voice told me that everything was okay. Still I wanted to know who is person.

Now I could clearly hear them and it was a woman so I started grabbing my clothes just in case. It was obvious that she’d heard us but she did not seem upset. I don’t remember the words that helped me realize that this was his mother! My heart started pounding and the wait was unbearable. I listened intently and was shocked when I heard her say, just make me some grandbabies. Then they laughed and she left the house???? What! I mean I was very happy that I would live another day, but I can't believe she would leave your sixteen old son alone with his half dressed 14 year old girlfriend whom she’d never meet and tell him to make some babies???????????? Good thing we were playing it safe; he was using the withdrawal method, so no babies for us.

The day ended with Dean walking me back to the bus stop. When I got home late I lied to my mom, telling her that the bus broke down, trying to be as vague as possible. It was a long and emotionally draining day and exciting day. I’d not planned on lying and I felt really guilty for it. I can't say that I regretted it though. That day I experienced true love like never before. Not only was I with a man that loved and respected me but he knew how to hold me too. I had not planned the events of the day, any of it, but I was happy it happened that way; if nothing else I knew that I would always have a story to tell.

Related Links:

Don't Lose Your Virginity On A Roach Infested Bed- post on Don't Be A Slut

LMV- part 2

Originally uploaded by Sapphie

My first experience was not what I thought I would be, but I was hopeful. I was bothered by the fact that I felt a little powerless and wanted to know what sex would be like if I fully participated. At my boyfriend's second invitation I leaped at the chance. I went over to the his house half hoping to just be able to keep my clothes on and half hoping that we could experience a mind blowing sexual experience.

Two years before this incident I lived in a world where boys did not like me. A lot of times I was the only black girl in the school and the boys did not look at me that way. So from the age of 6-11, I had no boyfriends and did not have a lot of understanding about the sexuality of boys. When I moved to Detroit all of a sudden I was getting noticed and hit on, it was a bit overwhelming for me. Though sometimes I felt degraded I understood that I naturally was intrigued by sex. I did not grow up very religious and had only made the decision to not wait for marriage, even though I kind of wanted to wait. My friends thought I'd be the last one to loss my virginity, but alas I was the first.

Now that I was no longer a virgin, no longer having something precious to protect I wanted to enjoy new experiences. My first experience, while not romantic, gave me a little confidence. At the time I felt pretty good about my body. I had nice leg, round hips, a cut little waist, and a booty that got a lot of attention. My only insecurity was my tiny, none existing breasts. I remember day dreaming that my first time: my boyfriend and I would be in a warm embrace, he'd gently grab me and pull me close, we'd kiss and instantly feel an electricity that would have us tearing each others clothes off. He would be so excited until he removed my shirt. He'd look at my flat chest and throw up and it would all end horribly and I'd be scarred for life.

When my boyfriend not only saw me completely naked and couldn't keep his hands off of me, I found comfort in that. I thought that now that we'd have a couple hours before his mom came home and that this time would be brilliant. I knew that I was a good kisser and thought I would be good in bed. So again I rang the doorbell, he greeted me with a kiss and we went up to his room. The clothes came off and we were moving. Five minutes later he got up and washed off and that was that. I thought' " OH!?! I guess is wasn't the lack of time, that's just him, oh well." At least this time I made the decision for myself. Again it wasn't bad, it just wasn't much return for what I gave away.

He did not call that much any more. I was okay with that because I did not like him that much. One day he called and said that he wanted to ask me some questions, I said o.k. He said,"Isn't it true that we had sex". I said ,"yes". He said,"isn't it true that we had sex twice" and I said, "yes it's true"; I hate three way calling. I knew he had his friend on the line and that's why he was asking these dumb questions. I tried not to get mad, though I was tempted to say"Yes we had sex, but it was only for five minutes so I don't think there is anything to brag about." But I gave him his moment of glory, did not acknowledging the other person on the line and was happy that he made it so easy to break up with him. His friend would give me strange looks in the hallway from that day on but I felt that I earned them for not protecting my virginity. Oh well.

Losing My Virginity- part 1

...Kid in the Snow, originally uploaded by chau_nguyen.

My first experience was not the way I imagined it. Now that I think about it I never got a chance to imagine what it would be like. At the time my only experience with being in love was at six years old. His name was Bruce and we were going to get married some day and for practice we played house. I like everything we did except the one time we French kissed; it was kind of gross, but I knew I'd learn to like it. Bruce was my neighbor for about 8 months but then he moved away. We were in Texas at the time and after that my love life slammed to a screeching halt. No more crushes, no more kisses.

Not until I moved back Michigan. I went from being invisible to being an object of desire. I'm not saying that most boys liked me, but some that weren't crazy about my personality still seemed to like my body. To go from no one liking me to boys taking turns smacking my butt was a hard transition to make, but I learned to appreciate some of the attention. By 7^th grade my love life was back to normal and I'd learned to appreciate French kissing. I met my first high school boyfriend, Miles, at my family reunion; no he was not a relative, but my mom did give me permission to date a third cousin and up (shh! Don't tell her I told you that). He was not that cute but was persistent and I guess that won me over. Lucky for me he lived within walking distance from my house.

One day during our mini phone marathons he asked me to come over his house after school. I'd only gone over to a boy's house once before; the first was Duke and I'd him known since middle school. We had an amazing make out session, my first one (well not counting my early childhood), but nothing else came from it. To be honest I did not like him that much, a little too mean and sarcastic for my taste, but our chemistry was crazy. I knew a romantic relationship would not work and he only seemed interested in making out. I did not know why I decided not to go to Duke's anymore, but did not give it much thought. To be honest I did not think a lot about relationships, I just felt and reacted. My relationship with my Miles was no different; having boyfriend in 9th grade just meant that I talked to him on the phone more than anyone else. I felt a little guilty but mostly happy to have an opportunity to spend time with him and did not really consider his intentions or mine so I said yes to his proposal.

It was cold December day with four to five inches of snow on the ground. After school I trenched through the unplowed street to his house and was greeted with a kiss. So much for talking cause all we did was swap spit (Yeah I know romantic). This was my second time seeing Miles and I realized that he was not that great a kisser but it felt nice to be held… At least until he started to go for my clothes. I was okay with kissing and dry humping (sorry for that image) but I felt violated with his hand near my privates or and him trying to remove my clothes. I would simply remove his hand and continue to kiss him. Pretty soon I had my back on the floor and his body was pressed against mine. He proceeded to try to take my clothes off. I tried to push him off of me and kept saying "No.", but he would not budge; he was a big guy and did not slow down at my protest. At one point I actually thought, "Do you want your first experience do be rape?" I answered myself with a silent "no" and decided that I would not chance being forced and I just stop fighting. I did not necessarily participate but I was aware and probably did help take my clothes off.

.... I did not get a chance to wonder what he would be like my first time. It was complicated experience for a 14 year old to figure out but I decided to stay positive; I felt a little violated but not at all traumatized. I'm pretty sure he did not wear a condom or cum (again sorry for that). No swinging from the chandlers; for five whole minutes I did not move until he got and went to the bathroom where I suspect he finished and washed up. I thought to myself, "that was short but wasn't bad", and most importantly I was happy that nothing was taken from me. He told me that his mom would be home any minute and kissed me quickly as he walked me to the door. As I left his house a smile gradually came across my face and I somehow felt good. I don't think there were any thoughts, again just feelings. I walked home in a strange fog, not really paying attention to the world around me but was startled back to reality when I saw my father shoveling our sidewalk. I was surprised to see him because my parents had recently separated. My heart and my mind raced as I tried to fight of fear and guilt of being found out, so I tried with all my might to appear my normal outgoing self; my smile became even more brilliant as I experienced relief that my dad was being nice to my mom, relief that he could not read my mind and excitement that I had just had the most grown up experience to date.

This blog is called Love Lust and Life so hopefully I've prepared you enough to know that I was going to put it all out on the table. There are lots of questions I could ask but I guess I'm more curious about what you would like to know. Share what you want to share. Ask what you want to know. I'm all ears eyes.