Losing My Virginity- part 1

...Kid in the Snow, originally uploaded by chau_nguyen.

My first experience was not the way I imagined it. Now that I think about it I never got a chance to imagine what it would be like. At the time my only experience with being in love was at six years old. His name was Bruce and we were going to get married some day and for practice we played house. I like everything we did except the one time we French kissed; it was kind of gross, but I knew I'd learn to like it. Bruce was my neighbor for about 8 months but then he moved away. We were in Texas at the time and after that my love life slammed to a screeching halt. No more crushes, no more kisses.

Not until I moved back Michigan. I went from being invisible to being an object of desire. I'm not saying that most boys liked me, but some that weren't crazy about my personality still seemed to like my body. To go from no one liking me to boys taking turns smacking my butt was a hard transition to make, but I learned to appreciate some of the attention. By 7th grade my love life was back to normal and I'd learned to appreciate French kissing. I met my first high school boyfriend, Miles, at my family reunion; no he was not a relative, but my mom did give me permission to date a third cousin and up (shh! Don't tell her I told you that). He was not that cute but was persistent and I guess that won me over. Lucky for me he lived within walking distance from my house.

One day during our mini phone marathons he asked me to come over his house after school. I'd only gone over to a boy's house once before; the first was Duke and I'd him known since middle school. We had an amazing make out session, my first one (well not counting my early childhood), but nothing else came from it. To be honest I did not like him that much, a little too mean and sarcastic for my taste, but our chemistry was crazy. I knew a romantic relationship would not work and he only seemed interested in making out. I did not know why I decided not to go to Duke's anymore, but did not give it much thought. To be honest I did not think a lot about relationships, I just felt and reacted. My relationship with my Miles was no different; having boyfriend in 9th grade just meant that I talked to him on the phone more than anyone else. I felt a little guilty but mostly happy to have an opportunity to spend time with him and did not really consider his intentions or mine so I said yes to his proposal.

It was cold December day with four to five inches of snow on the ground. After school I trenched through the unplowed street to his house and was greeted with a kiss. So much for talking cause all we did was swap spit (Yeah I know romantic). This was my second time seeing Miles and I realized that he was not that great a kisser but it felt nice to be held… At least until he started to go for my clothes. I was okay with kissing and dry humping (sorry for that image) but I felt violated with his hand near my privates or and him trying to remove my clothes. I would simply remove his hand and continue to kiss him. Pretty soon I had my back on the floor and his body was pressed against mine. He proceeded to try to take my clothes off. I tried to push him off of me and kept saying "No.", but he would not budge; he was a big guy and did not slow down at my protest. At one point I actually thought, "Do you want your first experience do be rape?" I answered myself with a silent "no" and decided that I would not chance being forced and I just stop fighting. I did not necessarily participate but I was aware and probably did help take my clothes off.

.... I did not get a chance to wonder what he would be like my first time. It was complicated experience for a 14 year old to figure out but I decided to stay positive; I felt a little violated but not at all traumatized. I'm pretty sure he did not wear a condom or cum (again sorry for that). No swinging from the chandlers; for five whole minutes I did not move until he got and went to the bathroom where I suspect he finished and washed up. I thought to myself, "that was short but wasn't bad", and most importantly I was happy that nothing was taken from me. He told me that his mom would be home any minute and kissed me quickly as he walked me to the door. As I left his house a smile gradually came across my face and I somehow felt good. I don't think there were any thoughts, again just feelings. I walked home in a strange fog, not really paying attention to the world around me but was startled back to reality when I saw my father shoveling our sidewalk. I was surprised to see him because my parents had recently separated. My heart and my mind raced as I tried to fight of fear and guilt of being found out, so I tried with all my might to appear my normal outgoing self; my smile became even more brilliant as I experienced relief that my dad was being nice to my mom, relief that he could not read my mind and excitement that I had just had the most grown up experience to date.

This blog is called Love Lust and Life so hopefully I've prepared you enough to know that I was going to put it all out on the table. There are lots of questions I could ask but I guess I'm more curious about what you would like to know. Share what you want to share. Ask what you want to know. I'm all ears eyes.


LazyKing said...

heuu this looks scary and since I'm not a girl I'll skip this

Dani said...

My first time was not what I had expected it to be like at all. It was actually over 2 seconds after it began. I was 17 and I did really love the boy that I had the sex with. I'm actually going through all of my dating/sexual relations on my blog. About one or 2 a week...I just started.

I think the idea that you have for this blog is great.

Sorry that you had such a shitty first time. Where you ever angry with Miles for the way he acted? Or think that you should of fought harder? It's sad for me to think that you only stopped fighting because you didn't want your first time to be rape. You were so young. was Miles your age or older?

LLnL said...

Miles was maybe a year older than me so he was a kid himself. It takes a lot for me to get mad and from my memory the only time I was mad was on part 2 when he called me with a friend on the phone. It did not hit me until maybe 4 years later that the situation was not cool. In hindsight I would not have visited him in the first place, or I would have fought harder, but I'm still not mad. I just want teens, boys and girls to know everything so this kind of thing does not happen.

LLnL said...

@LazyKing- I understand. I figure most people would want to avoid this post like the plague so I appreciate you for even trying to read it.

LazyKing said...

I read it and I'm going to read the part 2. It wasnt not "that" scary but has many images.
Well written, great story