LMV- part 7

Purity... uploaded by vicdv888

I think that for the most part I was a good kid. No drugs, not drinking but I was far from innocent. I lost my virginity at 14. I’m not sure why I experimented with sex so early but I do wonder if my parent’s separation had anything to do with it. The same year my dad moved out was the same year that I got caught having sex. That day I was caught I was scared for my life, but I learned to be grateful. I knew that I was too young to have sex but I didn't have personal motivation to stop. Now that I knew that having sex upset my mom I wanted to avoid sex it all cost.

My mom told me that my punish for having sex was two months without the phone and no going out. I thought the punishment was more than fair, but I stilled found a way to sneak in the occasional phone call. I hated to betray my mom's trust but I was in love; talking to Dean or even just hearing his voice for 15 minutes could remove all of my stress in an instant. Then one glorious day I was off of punishment all was forgiven. My mom even let Dean come over for dinner. It felt so nice to see him again, but I can’t tell you how shocked I was when my mom announced that she needed to go to the store and that she would be back soon. A wave of excitement mixed with fear engulfed me. I was looking forward to kissing Dean again but I feared the intense chemistry that we shared.

As soon as my mom’s car pulled out of the driveway Dean pressed his body against mine and our lips meet for a very passionate kiss. Within seconds he gracefully picked me up and placed me on the kitchen counter and tried to pull my hips into his. Though my hormones screamed “YEAH!!! I can't wait” my mouth said “Stop! I can’t”. Without hesitation he ignored tried unbutton my pants. I pushed him away with all of my might and jumped off the counter. I scolded him on being insensitive to me and disrespectful to my mom. He said he understood and I forgave him. We kissed again but this time it was tender with a touch of innocents. I think my mom was gone about 20 minutes. I’ve never asked her why she left us alone that day but I would guess she understood that we could use a little alone time and I also think she wanted me to practice being alone with a guy and not having sex.

Dean was 16 and horny. It was hard for him to hear me say that I did not want to have sex anymore but he said he understood. Of course he understood, I'd heard rumors about him flirting with, dating and even hooking up with other girls. I choose to give him the benefit of the doubt but to keep him at arm’s length. It also helped me a to abstain from sex. Beside it was great to not have to worry about STDs or pregnancy.

Speaking of STDs my mom took me to a clinic to get tested and I passed with flying colors. Since I did not use protection I also took a pregnancy test. I was so grateful that she got me tested so early; otherwise I would've been a nervous wreck because I hadn't had a period for three months. I know what you’re thinking but I was always irregular and that was normal for me. Because of that I suspected that I would be difficult for me to get pregnant. Or so I thought…….

One night before going to bed I noticed that my chest was a little sore. I was happy because that was a symptom of PMS and it meant that everything would get back to normal. I went to bed and slept fine but when I woke up I felt a little weird. When I looked in the mirror I almost screamed. I went to bed as almost an A, but I woke up as full C (maybe D cup). The blood drained from my face as my mind raced trying to figure out a solution. I did not have much time to think so I found the only bra I could fit, put on the biggest sweat shirt I could find and sloughed all day.

I couldn’t wait to get home to come up with a game plan. On the bus ride home I was fixated on my mom telling me that if I was pregnant she would take me to get an abortion. I knew that I could not support a baby and that I was not ready to be a mom, but I would be devastated if I had an abortion. My mom was still at work when I got home so I called Dean. He said we should runaway together. I felt happy that he was not upset about the possible pregnancy but his response worried me. I immediately called my best friend, who happened to be his cousin. I told Nancy everything and adding how crazy Dean was for suggesting to run away with me. Neither one of us had a job or any money. Dean called me later and told me that I should have just told him how I felt; I agreed with him and felt silly for not figuring that out myself.

I hide from my mom that night. I did not know what else to do. I wanted to come up with a plan but my mind was blank. That night I did the only thing I could do, I closed my bedroom door and I prayed. I prayed like never be for: I asked God if he was upset with me for having sex, if this was his way of telling me that sex before marriage was wrong, I told him that my mom would take me to get an abortion and that I didn’t think I could live with myself if I had one, I begged him for forgiveness and grace, I asked Him to reverse the pregnancy ( in other words I did not want a miscarriage but him to make it like it never existed), and I promised that I would not have sex any more. Before that night my prayers were pretty standard, you know “Now I lay me down to sleep…..”, but this night I poured out my heart, my tears and my faith. I knew that He could fix it and I knew that He was my only hope.

... I also prayed something that I knew was not the most righteous request; I asked him if I could keep my new boobs. I made sure to state that it was not important and I would understood if He choose not to but I felt like it wouldn’t hurt to ask...

Finally, exhausted from praying, I went to bed.

The next morning when I woke up I went straight to the mirror to check my chest. No more Cs. I've never been so excited to be flat-chested. I eventually confessed to my mom that I had not had a period and wanted to be tested again. I could tell she was worried but she put on a brave face and kindly obliged.

After I got the results I met Dean at the mall with the intention of sharing the results. “I’m not pregnant” I said. We both smiled and I felt close to him... until we broke up a couple of months later. I suspect the absence of sex was to blame.

My first pregnancy scare was the birth of my personal walk with God. As far as I can remember, I believed in Him. But that day taught me that I could come to Him about anything. It also taught me that I should care what is important to Him. At fourteen I had no clear comprehension on what was or was not sexually immoral. After that experience I was even more confused but I knew that He answered my prayer and for that I will always be grateful.

Just Like A Prayer

Well that my story and I'd love to know your reaction. Do you have any question for me? Do you want to share about the time you lost your virginity, please feel free.

LMV- part 6

Originally uploaded by ande.

I'm scared and all alone in my room. I tried to comfort myself by reminding myself that my mom loves me. I wondered how she would be able to trust me again. And I wondered who she was talking to on the phone. I concluded that it was my grandmother and felt horribly embarrassed… I did not know how much my room would protect me but I had to count my blessing that I’d made it this far. I knew this would be a long day but I thought the worst was behind me because my mom would eventually calm down. That was until I heard the front door open and I heard a growling, snarling voice yell,



… It was my father’s voice. I have never even considered my dad finding out. I hoped beyond all hope that I would not die twice. I’d never heard my dad mad. When he was upset his voice would soften, he’d lower his gaze and slow his speech. In the past he was upset with me because I did not make my best effort in school. With a whispered tone he’d express his disappointment, never knowing with each word was stabbing my heart. I would say that for most of my life I was close to my mom, but I will always be a daddy’s girl. My dad was a loving, gentle and forgiving man. When he stormed into the house he slammed the door behind him and shook heart. Not only would my dad not love me anymore but he was going to kill me. I knew that my only option was to take whatever punishment my parents gave me with as much grace and gratitude as could express.

The concept of time disappeared as I waited, the wait was painful but I wished that it would last forever. My hopes were shattered when I heard footsteps coming towards my room. My dad entered my room and sat beside the bed. I was floored. The monstrous inflection came from the man that sat beside me but I was no longer scared. I saw the love in his eyes and heard the comforting tone of patience in his voice.

He took my hand and asked me a few questions: he asked if I’d had sex of my own free will, how many times I’d had sex, with how many boys and if I used protection. I answered him honestly: yes, four, two and no. He asked me if I was ovulating but I was not sure. I asked him how I can tell and he explained to me about the ovulation cycle and told me there is a pain just under the ribs that can be a symptom (never learned that in school). I told him that I was not sure but I didn't think so.

I don’t remember exactly how the conversation ended but I knew that he loved me, that he wanted the best for me and that I could talk to him about anything. As he opened the door to leave my room I saw my mom in the hallway. He closed the door behind him, but I could hear their whispers as my dad briefed my mom about our conversation. I heared her ask,” How many times” and “With how many guys” and then, I could not hear the context but I heard the word “slut”. I was heartbroken. Did my mom think I was a slut? If she thinks I am then guess I am. I knew that that would have to change, but I did not know how.

I realized then I did not know how to say no, and did not know exactly why I should. My mom had a made it a point to tell me that sex was an important part of marriage and that you should make sure you are sexually compatible with you partner before you commit the rest of your life to them. I knew that fourteen was too young to have sex but I did not know a good age to start. I did not know how long you should be in a relationship before you should become intimate and I did know how intimate you should get before you put the passion breaks on. I did not know how to tell if the person you’re with really loves you. All I knew is that I didn’t want to be a slut and I didn’t want to be in a loveless marriage. I wanted a rule book it did not exist, but I was determined find some rules for myself. I knew that I would have some time because I would be on punishment for a long time to come.

LMV- part 5

… So there we were , Dean and I, getting dressed in the dark possessed with nervous laughter. My impeding fate was a mother who'd come home while I was having sex with my boyfriend. This would be the first time she'd meet him. I figured that I had a decent chance of remaining alive; my mom had only spanked me five times, never spanked me while she was still angry, and let last time when I was 11-years-old. So I was not really worried about my physically well being, but I was worried about the how she viewed me now. I could see in now... The house would now be filled with the chill of her anger. She would mutter under her breathe that dinner was ready instead of the joyful announcement that I loved. Maybe she would still love me but she wouldn't like me, trust me or be nice to me anymore. At fourteen these thoughts were not articulated yet but my overwhelming fear said it all.

Dean and I slowly walked up the basement steps with our eyes fixed to the floor. My mom greeted Dean by saying, "Get out!" I was so grateful that he'd gotten off so easy; he gets to go home to a mom that thinks it's cute that he's sexually active. I wasn't sure if my mom, a true Taurus, would flip out and start whaling on the both of us, or give him a verbal lashing. I glanced at him as I heard his voice "Excuse me ma'ma, my friend dropped me off and will pick me up in two hours. I need to stay…"

What---did---he---just--- say?!?!

Let me break down my thoughts for you:

  1. Is he crazy? My mom is shooting out fire from her eyes because you just had sex with her daughter and now you think she cares how you get home?

  2. Is he stupid? You just got a free pass to enjoy living without being maimed but instead you insist on staying in my mother's presence for two more hours?

  3. He's a liar? You told me that you were just stopping by for a few minutes when you asked to come over. You didn't talk to your friend before he left so you must planned it out in advance!

  4. He's so selfish! Now you've made the incredible hulk madder and I'm going to pay dearly for your error in judgment.

  5. I don't care! I'm okay if my mom socks you because you deserve it.

My mom's heart starting pounding out of her chest; her nostrils flared as she took a deep breath. With a snarl she managed to maintain her composure and said something like, "I am really angry right now. If you continue to stand here I'm not sure that I will be able to control my actions. It is better for you to leave now. Get out now!!!" With that he grabbed his jacket and rushed to the door. I think it took him two seconds to make his escape.

Now I was all alone with her, having no idea what to do or what to expect I just stood still; I continued avoiding eye contact, and waited for her to make the next move. Her instruction to me were similar to Dean's, she was not sure what she was capable of and that I needed to get out of her sight immediately. Instantly my knees buckled as I grew faint; I'd never been so scared in my life. I wobbled and swayed as I walked to the stairs. My body was trying to shut down and fall out but I willed myself up stairs by literally crawling. I knew that fainting would qualify as disobedience in her sight and I had to do whatever it took to make it to the sanctuary that was previously known as me bedroom. I made it to the landing and continued to crawl until I closed the door and pulled myself up to the bed. I did not know how much my room would protect me but I had to count my blessing that I'd made it this far. I knew this would be a long day but I thought the worst was behind me because my mom would eventually calm down.
That was until I heard the front door open and I heard a growling, snarling voice yell,



…To be continued…

LMV- part 4

teen couple, originally uploaded by bearpa.

Two days after I skipped school the first time, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school because I felt sick. I can’t remember the symptoms but I was honestly feeling under the weather. In hind-sight I did not know the difference between sickness and stress. My mom use to assign me a chore to complete when I stayed home from school, I think it was to keep me from playing sick like I got caught doing one time when I was eight. This time she took pity on me and told me to take it easy. I put my feet up on the couch and had the remote in hand when our house phone rang. Assuming it was my mom I raced to pick up the phone; it was Dean, my boyfriend. I was shocked that he would call me at this time, I was usually in school, he asked me what I was doing and I told him just watching TV. He asked if he could come over but I said no; I would get in so much trouble if my mom caught you over here. He insisted saying that his friend was driving so he could not stay long, and he just really wanted to see me. I could not resist and I was eager to see him too so I said OK.

Dean me showed up with his friend and I gave him a big hug. I asked them to come in and to sit but Dean grabbed me and started kissing me. I loved it, I loved him and he loved me. I felt a little uncomfortable with his friend there but I knew that I would not have many opportunities to see him so I just hoped his friend would be okay. A few minutes later I heard his friend grab his keys and head for the door. Panic started to set in; I knew that without his friend present we’d have sex again; how would Dean get home? I tried to tell his friend to stop; I knew it was time for Dean to go but every time I tried to talk he would just pull me closer and kiss me harder. I felt scared and elated at the same time and my efforts to stop his friend were probably at 70%.

As soon as I heard the door close I knew that was all she wrote. I’m sure there was some foreplay involved but it was not long before we started having sex. We had a lot of chemistry and there was no stopping us, until I remembered that my mom usually came home for lunch. I pushed him off of me and insisted that he put his clothes back on. I was cured, whatever ailed me before was gone and was replaced with happiness and sexy thoughts. We talked and held hands and the phone rang; my mom was checking in on me. How are you feeling she asked, “Better” I replied. She said that was good because she had some errands to run on her lunch break and that she would not be able to come home. I looked at my boyfriend repeated what she said so that he could understand why I had a big grin on my face. I told her not to worry about me and that I would see her when she got home from work. I think it took us less than a minute to remove each other’s clothes and start again.

I did not have a thought in my head; I just let go of the shyness and the guilt as we held each other. I experienced it as freedom and being comfortable in your own skin. We were still at it when I thought I heard something.

Originally uploaded by Boccacino
My boyfriend insisted that it was nothing and that I should keep going, until we both heard the door open and we fled to the basement. My mom was home and our clothes were the first the thing she saw when she came in the door. She called my name loudly and I came out of hiding naked as a jay bird. She looked at me and asked, “Where is he”. I told her he was in the basement; she had never met him and didn't know who he was. She told me to go get him so I scoped up our clothes and proceeded to get dressed with him in a dark corner. To be honest we laughed in the process, why not? If you know your life is over you should enjoy the little bit you have left...

LMV- part 3

Originally uploaded by Boccacino

I know that usually when people talk about losing their virginity they only have one story to tell; I've never been accused of being normal so what can I say. In Losing My Virginity- part 2 I shared about my first two sexual experiences with my boyfriend. It was not a great experience but I felt that I learned a lot from it. The best thing I learned is that he was not worth my time and that I needed to move on so I broke up with him. I think both of us thought good riddance to our loveless relationship.

My life returned to normal until Nancy, my best friend, had a sweet sixteen party. I was one of 4 hostesses for the party and I took the title very seriously. I remember when Nancy me a microphone instructing me to walk on the stage and direct everyone to the cake table so that we could sing Happy Birthday to her. I would only be five sentences, but I was terrified at the thought of public speaking, not only that but I hated the sound of my voice amplified. I asked her to get someone else to do it but she insisted and I knew that I had to push through. I told myself that you don’t have time to be scared just make sure your friend is having a good time.

Late I noticed Nancy’s disappointed face. Without asking I knew what was wrong. Her parents had splurged and paid for a professional DJ, but not one had even touched the dance floor. Unfortunately I'd never danced in public and I was scared that everyone would laugh at me. I was tempted to ignore my friend or just try to will others to dance through osmosis but I knew that it was time to be courageous. So with fear and trembling I walked to the middle of the dance floor, faced 200 guest, placed my hands on my hips and preformed the only dance appropriate to the song playing at the time; I shook my hips to “Doing Da Butt”. I danced and pulled people to the floor until the dance floor was packed. You should have seen it, one of the best parties ever been. I continued dancing all night long and heard whispers, “she must be drunk or something”, and I could help but laugh because I just as surprised at myself. The experience started out as selfless but turned into a huge turning point for me. I now had a lot more confidence, and become outgoing over night.

Later that week my best friend called and told me that her cousin had a crush on me and wanted my phone number, I faintly remembered his face and told her it was ok to give him my number. His name was Dean and he called me a few minutes later but our conversation was very short. He seemed nice and all but there was no chemistry. My friend told me later that he thought I talked like a valley girl and it annoyed him; people make fun of me for that but I couldn’t help it, just something I'd picked up from my Texas days. I assumed that was that but the next day he called me again. I don’t know what happened but we were on the phone for two hours and by the end of the conversation I was in love. I had never experienced that much chemistry with anyone, and I could not remember what he looked like but it did not matter to me.

We talked all the time on the phone and he professed his love to me, it was so romantic. I was hard to maintain a relationship because we had trouble seeing each other. At 14 years old I still had 1 1/2 years before my mother would allow me to date. The only time I’d see Dean was over Nancy’s house, and I when I did I realized that he was so cute. One day at Nancy's, Dean smiled slyly and said he was going to have to kidnap me soon. I asked him what he meant and he said the he wanted me to skip school and come over his house; I was very nervous and very excitedly so I said OK.

Two days later I took a bus to his house. The experience was kind of surreal and very scary: this was my first time skipping school, I’d never been to his house before and he lived in another city so it took me 1 ½ hour to get to his house. But when I saw him everything felt right, he waited for me at the bus stop and grab my hand and held it all the way to his house. If I’m not mistaken I think we had our first kiss there. It was so magical and the chemistry was crazy. He took me to the bedroom and our clothes starting flying. I was great until it was obvious that he wanted intercourse and I got nervous. My body was more than ready and I really liked him but I thought it was too soon.

He was respectful but persistent. At one point I felt bad that I’d gotten physical without the intention of going all the way. The guilt coupled with visions of not being able to find my way home without him helped me decide to go for it. As far as sexually, the experience was incredible. I climaxed a lot, and so did he. We only took a break because I had to go to the bathroom. That’s when I learned two things, one the house had no running water, and two he’d taken my virginity. I’m did not know that you bleed the first time you have sex. And now there was no a good way to clean up. (His family owned it but no one lived so they turned off the electricity and the water). I went back into the bedroom a little embarrassed but Dean grabbed me and we continued. Know I am a little noisy but I thought I heard someone inside the house. He insisted that I was hearing things but I made him stop and check it out. He got dressed and closed the door behind him. Within seconds I heard him talking to someone, at first I could not make out what he was saying but the tone his voice told me that everything was okay. Still I wanted to know who is person.

Now I could clearly hear them and it was a woman so I started grabbing my clothes just in case. It was obvious that she’d heard us but she did not seem upset. I don’t remember the words that helped me realize that this was his mother! My heart started pounding and the wait was unbearable. I listened intently and was shocked when I heard her say, just make me some grandbabies. Then they laughed and she left the house???? What! I mean I was very happy that I would live another day, but I can't believe she would leave your sixteen old son alone with his half dressed 14 year old girlfriend whom she’d never meet and tell him to make some babies???????????? Good thing we were playing it safe; he was using the withdrawal method, so no babies for us.

The day ended with Dean walking me back to the bus stop. When I got home late I lied to my mom, telling her that the bus broke down, trying to be as vague as possible. It was a long and emotionally draining day and exciting day. I’d not planned on lying and I felt really guilty for it. I can't say that I regretted it though. That day I experienced true love like never before. Not only was I with a man that loved and respected me but he knew how to hold me too. I had not planned the events of the day, any of it, but I was happy it happened that way; if nothing else I knew that I would always have a story to tell.

Related Links:

Don't Lose Your Virginity On A Roach Infested Bed- post on Don't Be A Slut

LMV- part 2

Originally uploaded by Sapphie

My first experience was not what I thought I would be, but I was hopeful. I was bothered by the fact that I felt a little powerless and wanted to know what sex would be like if I fully participated. At my boyfriend's second invitation I leaped at the chance. I went over to the his house half hoping to just be able to keep my clothes on and half hoping that we could experience a mind blowing sexual experience.

Two years before this incident I lived in a world where boys did not like me. A lot of times I was the only black girl in the school and the boys did not look at me that way. So from the age of 6-11, I had no boyfriends and did not have a lot of understanding about the sexuality of boys. When I moved to Detroit all of a sudden I was getting noticed and hit on, it was a bit overwhelming for me. Though sometimes I felt degraded I understood that I naturally was intrigued by sex. I did not grow up very religious and had only made the decision to not wait for marriage, even though I kind of wanted to wait. My friends thought I'd be the last one to loss my virginity, but alas I was the first.

Now that I was no longer a virgin, no longer having something precious to protect I wanted to enjoy new experiences. My first experience, while not romantic, gave me a little confidence. At the time I felt pretty good about my body. I had nice leg, round hips, a cut little waist, and a booty that got a lot of attention. My only insecurity was my tiny, none existing breasts. I remember day dreaming that my first time: my boyfriend and I would be in a warm embrace, he'd gently grab me and pull me close, we'd kiss and instantly feel an electricity that would have us tearing each others clothes off. He would be so excited until he removed my shirt. He'd look at my flat chest and throw up and it would all end horribly and I'd be scarred for life.

When my boyfriend not only saw me completely naked and couldn't keep his hands off of me, I found comfort in that. I thought that now that we'd have a couple hours before his mom came home and that this time would be brilliant. I knew that I was a good kisser and thought I would be good in bed. So again I rang the doorbell, he greeted me with a kiss and we went up to his room. The clothes came off and we were moving. Five minutes later he got up and washed off and that was that. I thought' " OH!?! I guess is wasn't the lack of time, that's just him, oh well." At least this time I made the decision for myself. Again it wasn't bad, it just wasn't much return for what I gave away.

He did not call that much any more. I was okay with that because I did not like him that much. One day he called and said that he wanted to ask me some questions, I said o.k. He said,"Isn't it true that we had sex". I said ,"yes". He said,"isn't it true that we had sex twice" and I said, "yes it's true"; I hate three way calling. I knew he had his friend on the line and that's why he was asking these dumb questions. I tried not to get mad, though I was tempted to say"Yes we had sex, but it was only for five minutes so I don't think there is anything to brag about." But I gave him his moment of glory, did not acknowledging the other person on the line and was happy that he made it so easy to break up with him. His friend would give me strange looks in the hallway from that day on but I felt that I earned them for not protecting my virginity. Oh well.

Losing My Virginity- part 1

...Kid in the Snow, originally uploaded by chau_nguyen.

My first experience was not the way I imagined it. Now that I think about it I never got a chance to imagine what it would be like. At the time my only experience with being in love was at six years old. His name was Bruce and we were going to get married some day and for practice we played house. I like everything we did except the one time we French kissed; it was kind of gross, but I knew I'd learn to like it. Bruce was my neighbor for about 8 months but then he moved away. We were in Texas at the time and after that my love life slammed to a screeching halt. No more crushes, no more kisses.

Not until I moved back Michigan. I went from being invisible to being an object of desire. I'm not saying that most boys liked me, but some that weren't crazy about my personality still seemed to like my body. To go from no one liking me to boys taking turns smacking my butt was a hard transition to make, but I learned to appreciate some of the attention. By 7th grade my love life was back to normal and I'd learned to appreciate French kissing. I met my first high school boyfriend, Miles, at my family reunion; no he was not a relative, but my mom did give me permission to date a third cousin and up (shh! Don't tell her I told you that). He was not that cute but was persistent and I guess that won me over. Lucky for me he lived within walking distance from my house.

One day during our mini phone marathons he asked me to come over his house after school. I'd only gone over to a boy's house once before; the first was Duke and I'd him known since middle school. We had an amazing make out session, my first one (well not counting my early childhood), but nothing else came from it. To be honest I did not like him that much, a little too mean and sarcastic for my taste, but our chemistry was crazy. I knew a romantic relationship would not work and he only seemed interested in making out. I did not know why I decided not to go to Duke's anymore, but did not give it much thought. To be honest I did not think a lot about relationships, I just felt and reacted. My relationship with my Miles was no different; having boyfriend in 9th grade just meant that I talked to him on the phone more than anyone else. I felt a little guilty but mostly happy to have an opportunity to spend time with him and did not really consider his intentions or mine so I said yes to his proposal.

It was cold December day with four to five inches of snow on the ground. After school I trenched through the unplowed street to his house and was greeted with a kiss. So much for talking cause all we did was swap spit (Yeah I know romantic). This was my second time seeing Miles and I realized that he was not that great a kisser but it felt nice to be held… At least until he started to go for my clothes. I was okay with kissing and dry humping (sorry for that image) but I felt violated with his hand near my privates or and him trying to remove my clothes. I would simply remove his hand and continue to kiss him. Pretty soon I had my back on the floor and his body was pressed against mine. He proceeded to try to take my clothes off. I tried to push him off of me and kept saying "No.", but he would not budge; he was a big guy and did not slow down at my protest. At one point I actually thought, "Do you want your first experience do be rape?" I answered myself with a silent "no" and decided that I would not chance being forced and I just stop fighting. I did not necessarily participate but I was aware and probably did help take my clothes off.

.... I did not get a chance to wonder what he would be like my first time. It was complicated experience for a 14 year old to figure out but I decided to stay positive; I felt a little violated but not at all traumatized. I'm pretty sure he did not wear a condom or cum (again sorry for that). No swinging from the chandlers; for five whole minutes I did not move until he got and went to the bathroom where I suspect he finished and washed up. I thought to myself, "that was short but wasn't bad", and most importantly I was happy that nothing was taken from me. He told me that his mom would be home any minute and kissed me quickly as he walked me to the door. As I left his house a smile gradually came across my face and I somehow felt good. I don't think there were any thoughts, again just feelings. I walked home in a strange fog, not really paying attention to the world around me but was startled back to reality when I saw my father shoveling our sidewalk. I was surprised to see him because my parents had recently separated. My heart and my mind raced as I tried to fight of fear and guilt of being found out, so I tried with all my might to appear my normal outgoing self; my smile became even more brilliant as I experienced relief that my dad was being nice to my mom, relief that he could not read my mind and excitement that I had just had the most grown up experience to date.

This blog is called Love Lust and Life so hopefully I've prepared you enough to know that I was going to put it all out on the table. There are lots of questions I could ask but I guess I'm more curious about what you would like to know. Share what you want to share. Ask what you want to know. I'm all ears eyes.

Platonic Stripping


I have never wanted to become a stripper. I can't imagine dancing for a bunch of stranger but I will admit that I have wanted to dance for a couple of my friends/boyfriends. Part of the interest I believe is innocent. I was the girl at the dance club that made a B-line to the stage so that I could dance by myself and be the center of attention; strippers get the stage all to themselves. My less than innocent motivates would the desire to dance sexy to songs I love. In my late teens I sometimes found myself day dreaming about stripping while listening to sexy music. There was nobody else in my daydreams, just mean on a dark stage with one spotlight. I did worry that about my thoughts because it only felt safe in my imagination.

Through high school my friends would tease me about being a big flirt. I liked boy's attention and I liked having platonic friends. I realized soon that if a boy likes you but there is no hope of you relationship every becoming romantic than they will soon tire of your friendship. So I become comfortable with the flirting with my friends. It started off as conscious but then I think it became a part of my personality. Sometimes girls thought that I was flirting with them but I did not feel bad. I learned that flirting is smiling a lot, making good eye contact, being personable, being confident, and showing genuine enthusiasm while listening; in other words great interpersonal or interview skills. However the skills sometimes sent mixed messages to a few close friends. Especially one friend in particular; I call him hubby today.

You see hubby, as sweet and generous as he is, still is a hot blooded male. It seemed when I refused to flirt at all he become disinterested in our friendship or become more determined to win me over. Although my feelings for hubby were platonic I've always known that he was someone really special and made a point to do what it took to keep him in my life. To be honest hubby was fun to flirt with. He's witty, charming, intelligent and funny so flirting with him was satisfying on so many levels. Still I had to find the right balance of sarcasms and sweetness so that he never tried to make a move on me but stayed interested. Through the years I became comfortable letting my guard down with him because he never tried to force himself on me, something I really grew to appreciate.

I moved away from home to go to school but hubby and I become even closer during that time. So when I transferred to a school close to home me and hubby hung out a lot. That summer was incredible. I could be one of the guys while watching, sports drinking beer, and listening to crazy women stories. No matter what I always knew that I was also a lady; hubby and his friends treated me with respect, open doors for me and were eager to buy dinner. After a few years of trying to avoid being raped and stalked by men (more on that at a later date) it was a pleasant surprise to hang out with male friends who did not try to even steal a kiss.

So in all my young wisdom I knew that hubby's b-day was the perfect opportunity to get him a present to show him how much I appreciated him. In the past I have bought music CDs, but this time I wanted to make it special; something he really wanted that only I could or would give to him. Those darn day dream started popping up in my head. I couldn't afford to get him a car and a tie would not cut it, but I could not figure out else that he would have really liked. Besides I could imagined his surprise when I started dancing to the music (I barely would hug him at the time). I could envision the delight in his eyes as we locked eyes; after all I am pretty damn sexy. I could anticipate the sense of freedom as I slowly removed my clothes; how much courage and confidence would that take for me to be able to dance down to my underwear (getting completely naked was never a part of my fantasy). I entertained the thought for about a week but knew that not only would I never have the courage, but I also realized that could be detrimental to our friendship. One reason why I love hubby is because he never treated me like a piece of meat. Our platonic relationship, except for the occasional flirtation was pure as the driven snow, why would I do anything to jeopardize that.

So instead I gave him a gift that was equally good, some nice cologne and he was none the wiser. Because of that decision to keep my clothes on I now have a lifetime to explore all my fantasies to my heart's content. I can spend time finding sexy songs that inspire a little role play for a spicy day.


Do you think it was strange that I wanted to strip for a friend? What would make a 21 year old want to strip for fun?

I See Dead People

fearing the futuristic, originally uploaded by JenniPenni.

This is the post I've been dreading. The first one admitting that I have in fact see ghosts, more than a few, and more than just looked at. I feel a little more confident now with TV shows like Ghost Hunter, and my favorite Paranormal State. Yes I realize reality TV is not always what it seems. Still I'm happy to people who claim they can relate to my experiences. I use to be scared that people would assume that I'm crazy, but I have learned that you have to trust yourself and not worry what others will think of you. I can't say without a doubt that ghost exist, but I have so many different experiences that it is hard for me to dismiss the possibility.

For instance when I was a kid I can remember hearing the phone or the doorbell ring two or three times before anyone else could hear. I can remember going to bed with a nightlight on and seeing my rocking horse start rocking when no one esle was in the room; I felt more concerned than scared, so I quietly watched the horse to make sure it did not do anything else that. As a kid those experiences just meant that I'm a little different, but I was okay with that.

However I can't remember is my first ghostly experience. My mom is the one that told me the story I'm about to tell; for some unknown reason it always brings a smile to my face when I hear it. Late one night when I was three years old I asked my mom to take me to the potty so she walked with me to the bathroom, flipped on the light switch and sat me on the toilet. Mom stood in front of me with her back to the door and talked me waiting for me to finish when suddenly I started screaming and crying. Mom asked ,"What's was wrong honey? Why are you crying?" and I responded by pointing desperately into the air and yelling," The man! Mommy the man!".

My mom, perplexed by my response, asked "What man". My wide eyes glazed with fear tried to say what my mouth was scared to. Finally I mustered the courage to whisper, "The man standing behind you." Goose bumps raised as a chill swept her spine. Mom looked behind her but did not see anybody or anything. I insisted that there was a man and continued kicking my legs and screaming with tears streaming down my face. My mom tried to console me but nothing she did or said helped. She said this went on for about almost two minutes when suddenly............................ Silence! I stopped crying and I and started smiling again. My mom who's heart was now pounding loudly against her chest asked me why I stopped crying. I said "It's okay...He gone and we're alone now".

And that was the truth; dad worked the graveyard shift leaving just mom and me alone in our creaky old house. Mom fought hard to calm herself without any success. Instead she sat on the couch all night holding a butcher knife jumping at every unexplained noise. I , however, went right to sleep seemingly unaffected by that night's event.

What are your thoughts on ghosts? Have you ever experienced something abnormal that you could not explain?

The Man That Changed My Life - Part 3


... It was not to have some time to recover, but things were back to normal for the most part.

I returned to school the next day but my mom insisted on driving me there. I felt bad because it was so far out of her way, but I was glad that I did not have to take the bus for now.

When I arrived at school, my favorite security guard noticed that I missed school the previous day and ask why. In a corner of the hallway, I quietly told her what had happened the day before, and she hugged me in the hallway. I'm sure the hug looked strange to others, but it felt good to me. She told me she was glad that I was okay and gave me instructions on what to do if it ever happened again. She said, "Keep your hands in your pockets and put a key from your key ring between each finger. If someone trys to attack you, punch them in their eyes and run away." I smilled and thought that was a good idea.

For awhile I tried to walk aroung like Wolevrine, but I felt silly. Besides, I did not worry that it would happen again; I knew that I would be okay and had nothing to worry about. I knew that, but it was hard for my mom to hear. My mom was single now, and she picked up a lot of overtime. She had to get up extra early to drop me off at school and get to work on time. I hated to see her work so hard, and I told her that I would be okay riding the bus again.

She would not listen at first, but finally she agreed to let me and promised me, "If it takes blood, sweat and tears, I will buy you a car." I did not want by mom to have to push herself anymore than she already was, but it was nice to hear. At that age, you are not always sure that your parents love you, but I knew without a doubt that she did.

My mom insisted that I get some counseling, and to everyone's surprise, I was excited. I decided when I was nine years old that I wanted to become a psychologist. I thought that this was my oppurtunity to see what they do. I was happy with my therapist: First off, she was a woman (thank God). Second, she was so nice, which made it easy for me to talk. I felt sorry for her because I talked her ear off. I talked about school, my parents, and boys, and she let me talk about whatever I wanted to. The only thing that I did not talk about much was the kidnapping attempt. I did not want to talk about that. I mean, what was I going to say? Okay, yes, I got scared sometimes, but I shouldn't be; I got away unharmed. I wanted everyone to know that I was stronger than that.

After six weeks of therapy, 12 sessions altogether, I ended my counseling sessions. I would miss the therapist a little, but I was happy to get back to regular life. My mom had a private session with my therapist to get an understanding of how I was doing. I couldn't wait for her to ease my mother's concerns; after all, the therapist never saw a moment of weakness. She would tell my mother that I was a tower of strength. That no man could scare me or take away my sense of security. Now, I was the one sitting in the waiting room while my mother had a session with the psychologist. I felt a little uncomfortable knowing that they were mainly talking about me, but in a way I felt grown up. The door opened, and the therapist walked me and my mom out of her office. It was strange to say goodbye forever to a woman I quickly befriended, but I was used to that, so it was not hard for me.

Years later, I asked my mom what the therapist said to her. She summed it by saying, "She said you were hiding something. You were not ready to open up." All that time, I thought I'd outfoxed everyone. It was not like I wanted be deceptive, but my fear and anxiety were growing more severe with time. I thought about telling the therapist about how hard it was for me to walk around and not know if this man would ever get caught. I tried to keep a mental image of the man ingrained in my mind so that I could help the police catch him. That felt like toture because everywhere I went it seemed like there was someone that looked liked him. I was terrified that he would break in my house and kill my whole family. Of course, I could not tell her that; I couldn't tell anyone. I did not want anyone to worry about me or doubt my maturity. I knew that my fears were irrational, and I had every confidence that I would get better on my own. He did not even hurt me. I was mad at myself for being so weak and letting my emotions get the best of me. During the day I could manage, but nights were starting to become unbearable ...

Godsmack- I Stand Alone Lyrics

The Man Who Changed My Life- part 2

... It seemed like my mom was there within in seconds. I instantly felt safe in her prescences. I thanked the waitress for her help and got into the car to head home. I filled my mom in on what happened, but before the story was complete the police were at the house. Soon after that my father arrived. So for the third time I recounting the morning's events. I told the police about the car in the alley and then I was struck with fear. Rembering that my purse, my drivers license was next to his car, if the car was still there. Then I wondered how long had this man been watching me, waiting for the oppurnity to attack me. With panicked eyes I pleaded for someone to get my book bag. My father grab his coat,"No daddy I don't mean you". I imagined my dad coming face to face with a rapist, with a killer. I held on to my father's arm, telling him to wait, let the police go. He assured me that he would be right back I had to trust him. Still I wonder why one of the two cops could not go 1 block to find my purse, my bookbag and the car of the man who'd tried to hurt me.

police safe-play

My dad kept his word and handed me my belongings. My IDs and all my things were there, but the car was not. I wondered when the man came back for it. Maybe I should have busted the windows. The police finished taking my statement and then told me it was time to go to the police station. I felt a little excited, I'm not sure why. I guess it was my desire to see justice done; I wanted to make sure that I helped them put the man away so that he would not harm anyone else. I held on to his image so that I could give the best description possible to the sketch artist. I believed that they would catch him eventually, but hoped that today would be the day.

So with a few nosy onlookers I got into the back seat of the cop car and smiled at the irony. It was so nice to see so many cops that day. Walking into the police station gave me a ton of comfort and security. I was calm before, but now I felt like I was back to my normal self. One cop told me to have a seat and they'd be right with me. They did not explain why my parents could not come with me; I assume that they needed to question me to make sure that I was telling the truth. As I waited a good looking cop smiled at me and asked me why I was there. I gave him a brief synoposis and felt proud of myself for keeping my promise, the promise to walk away without a scratch. He said to me with a warm smile,"Good thing you got away. You saw his face so he would have killed you". With that he patted my arm and told me to take care. My smile faded. I'm sure the thought had crossed my mind, that's why I refused to be pushed in his car. The officer made that possibilty of death seem so real. I figured out that the man knew where I lived and what time I left my house everyday. I'm glad he did not rape me,but if he wanted to he could break in and kill me, kill my family. They had to catch him today.

After another interview the cops said they would take me home. I furrowed my brow and asked them if I was going to see a sketch artist. They said no, they don't need that today. Fustrated but ready to get home I followed them to the car. What a lousy way to get a day off of school, but I was grateful. My mom pampered me all day, my friends came over to protect and support me. Everyone but my boyfriend, Justin. When I told him what'd happened he listened in silence. When I ws finished talking he said that he had to go. It felt like he did not love me, but I gave him the benfit of the doubt. Maybe he was in shock. Besides I had all the support I needed. I was alright. I was stronger than I ever knew. I stayed calm and thought quick on my feet. Now I know without a doubt God loves me, he saved my life and I would never forget that. For now I would take it easy and just appreciate that I was home and safe.

The Man That Changed My Life

Reading Girl

Lately I have condidered myself a closet dork. As a child I tried not to let other kids label me as a teacher pet or a nerd. I’m no genius, I’m sure that is already obvious; I just love learningbut I wanted to blend in which meant to only giving the minium effort in school. I did not need to have designer clothes or to be to be popular; I just did not want to stand out from the crowd. So in elementary and middle school I made a point to do just the minimum, but then things changed in high school. I maintained over a 3.25 in my freshman year, but my sophomore year it'd dropped down a 2.50. Ironnic enough it taking difficult classes that reawakened my love of learning and my excitiment about my education. My routine in the morning was to wake up about 5:45am so I could get dressed and make it to the bus stop by 7:30am. Every morning I rode the city bus, so it was imporatnt to make it to the bus stop early just in case it ran late or passed me because it was too full. By my junior year I actually enjoyed taking the bus and I had my routine down to a science so that I was never late to school. One fall morning I grabbed my 40 lb bookbag, locked the door and crossed the street, and headed towards the bus stop. As soon as I crossed I noticed a man on the same side of the street walking towards me.

When I saw him I took note and immediately felt uncomfortable. I can’t tell you why, but I had a strong pull to cross the street again. That thought troubled me, why would I think that? I looked him up and down and noticed that his clothes were a little shabby. I concluded that I was unfairly stereotyping and did not want him to feel bad. I hate when woman clutch there purses in elevators and I would not do that to him. Besides I was only a couple minutes away from by bus stop and that would be a waste time to cross the street now. So I continued walking and even smiled at how silly I was being. The man made eye contact with me and I smiled. As he an approached me he said, “Excuse me, can you tell me what time it is?” “Sure, it’s 7:15” I said. He thanked me and continued walking. . A few seconds after finishing that thought I heard the sound of someone running towards me and before I had the chance to turn around The man grabbed me, put a knife to my neck and said that he would kill me if I screamed---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I did not see that coming. Maybe that’s why I wanted to cross the street. The man then wrapped his arm around my waist and started walking with me across the street; the knife remained at my neck. "Okay, now what do I do?" I thought to myself. My mind quickly scaned the files of my mind a pulled up a yellow rape pamphlet I read a whilea couple of years ago. I rembered a few of the bullet points and stopped at one that said “Tell your attacker you are on your period”. I said to myself that will never work, but with not much time to spare I thought I’d give it the old college try. I said it out loud and he retorted, “Shut up bitch or I’ll cut your throat.” Oh well that did not work at all, now what? My mind raced to analyze the situation. I looked like he was taking me to the alley behind a restaurant. I concluded that he wanted to rape me there. It was light outside and the alley was right off of a main street. I thought that if he was going to rape me in the broad day light he must be a little crazy so I decided that I would not fight back, but if he tried to kill me all bets were off. I made a promise to myself, “I will not die today”. As we approached the alley the man said, “Listen slut if you don’t do what I fucking say I will kill you bitch.” I could not believe it. “How dare you!?! You don't even know me! I’m not a slut and you should not call me out of my name.” I thought to myself. I honestly was tempted to say something like that out loud but knew that now was not the time to be offended. 148/365"Murderess" We walked down the alley but to my surprise he turned the corner and walked me towards a car that was parked between two buildings. My senses immediately heightened and I knew that this was very serious. I looked at the license plate attempting to memorize it, but he moved me quickly up against the car. With his body pressed against mine he removed the knife from my neck and opened the car door. The car was a two door and the passenger seat was already pushed forward he pulled me towards the opening and grabbed my head, pushing me into the car. Without thinking about it my hands reached for the door frame and I pushed back with all my strength. It was a battle of wills we both pushed against each other until I fell back. Now lon the gravel looking up at the man and I made myself a new promise. I was going to walk away without a scar. I told myself to kick away the knife and to scream at the top of my lungs. Every time he came at me with the knife I kicked his hand and arms away from me, but it took so much of my focus that I’m not sure I remembered to scream.

Time seemed to stand still but I would guess that I was down on my back a little more than a minute before the man started to run. I jumped to my feet and ran to the sidewalk off of the main street and screamed as loud as I could. I looked to the right and I saw three women at the bus stop. They looked towards me for a few seconds and then turned their gaze towards the street as if noticed nothing. I stood there and continued to scream envisioning a least a few cars would stop and come to my rescue, but no one stopped. I was scared to leave the spot because I did not want this man to come back for his car and get away. I was tempted to grab my book bag and throw it through the windshield, but I did not know where the man was and I thought that I would have to save myself first and hope that the police catch him later. I decided to go the restaurant just past the bus stop. As I approached the three women I asked them if they remember seeing a man in a brown leather jacket. They said they had and I told them he tried to kidnap me. They all looked away without a word. I recognized one of them as a student at my school. I asked her for her name with the hopes that she could be a witness if needed (I wanted to get their numbers but thought that I need to move quickly).

I walked into the reaturant and told a waitress what happened. WIth the a look of compassion she said she was sorry but I could use their phone; instead she gave my change to use their pay phone. I thought about calling the police but at 16 years-old I could not help it, and I called my mommy. “Mommy------- I’m at IHOP just down the street. A man tried to push me into his car, but I got away.” With those words I turned into a scared little girl with a shaky voice, my whole body trembled. I heard the fear and anxiety in my mother’s voice. All I can remember her saying is I’ll be right there………….

Make Me Wanna Holler

Inner City Blues

Fuck You by Lilli Allen

Fuck The Police by “Crazy World”

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I love Disney and Bambi ranks high. Thanks to YouTube innocent movies that will know and love will not remain that way. I love this section of the movie and tried to find a YouTube version without music added. I only found the short original version so I went with this version.

Bambi Hits Puberty- with some explicit lyrics