Originally uploaded by Sapphie
My first experience was not what I thought I would be, but I was hopeful. I was bothered by the fact that I felt a little powerless and wanted to know what sex would be like if I fully participated. At my boyfriend's second invitation I leaped at the chance. I went over to the his house half hoping to just be able to keep my clothes on and half hoping that we could experience a mind blowing sexual experience.
Two years before this incident I lived in a world where boys did not like me. A lot of times I was the only black girl in the school and the boys did not look at me that way. So from the age of 6-11, I had no boyfriends and did not have a lot of understanding about the sexuality of boys. When I moved to Detroit all of a sudden I was getting noticed and hit on, it was a bit overwhelming for me. Though sometimes I felt degraded I understood that I naturally was intrigued by sex. I did not grow up very religious and had only made the decision to not wait for marriage, even though I kind of wanted to wait. My friends thought I'd be the last one to loss my virginity, but alas I was the first.
Now that I was no longer a virgin, no longer having something precious to protect I wanted to enjoy new experiences. My first experience, while not romantic, gave me a little confidence. At the time I felt pretty good about my body. I had nice leg, round hips, a cut little waist, and a booty that got a lot of attention. My only insecurity was my tiny, none existing breasts. I remember day dreaming that my first time: my boyfriend and I would be in a warm embrace, he'd gently grab me and pull me close, we'd kiss and instantly feel an electricity that would have us tearing each others clothes off. He would be so excited until he removed my shirt. He'd look at my flat chest and throw up and it would all end horribly and I'd be scarred for life.
When my boyfriend not only saw me completely naked and couldn't keep his hands off of me, I found comfort in that. I thought that now that we'd have a couple hours before his mom came home and that this time would be brilliant. I knew that I was a good kisser and thought I would be good in bed. So again I rang the doorbell, he greeted me with a kiss and we went up to his room. The clothes came off and we were moving. Five minutes later he got up and washed off and that was that. I thought' " OH!?! I guess is wasn't the lack of time, that's just him, oh well." At least this time I made the decision for myself. Again it wasn't bad, it just wasn't much return for what I gave away.
He did not call that much any more. I was okay with that because I did not like him that much. One day he called and said that he wanted to ask me some questions, I said o.k. He said,"Isn't it true that we had sex". I said ,"yes". He said,"isn't it true that we had sex twice" and I said, "yes it's true"; I hate three way calling. I knew he had his friend on the line and that's why he was asking these dumb questions. I tried not to get mad, though I was tempted to say"Yes we had sex, but it was only for five minutes so I don't think there is anything to brag about." But I gave him his moment of glory, did not acknowledging the other person on the line and was happy that he made it so easy to break up with him. His friend would give me strange looks in the hallway from that day on but I felt that I earned them for not protecting my virginity. Oh well.